I have such a crush on you! And its only because you’re incredibly intelligent. I’m fairly certain that if we talk, I’d find out you’re as normal as it gets… And that’ll totally kill my fantasy! ~SIGH~ 

My life has no problems that aren’t of my making!

My problem is I can’t seem to say “No” where you’re concerned. How do you make me do that? You realize i hate you for it? How could you if i never let you see it?

An Essay I wrote for an English assignment

I Know That it’s Your Soul, But Could You Bottle it Up?

Perfection is overstated, and flaws underrated! How can you be a truly perfect “human being” if you’re not imperfect in some aspect of your personality? What I’m saying is we all have major character defining flaws; we all suffer insecurities, phobias, irritations, and imperfections within ourselves. Are these “blemishes” what makes us all unique? Perhaps they are. But what is most important is the fact that we’re all emotionally, physically and mentally equipped to deal with our lot in life. And even though flaws are usually treated as something negative, perhaps they aren’t so bad when they make you who you are. I would say that my most significant flaw has for a while now been hiding feeling and emotions that I really should share, because, let’s face it, in the end no one is as hurt or affected by it as me.

            I guess this particular trait first started developing during my parent’s divorce. People constantly kept asking “Are you okay sweetie?”, “How’re you holding up champ?” Sometimes they were kind enough to just state the obvious, “You know this is what’s best, and in the long run you’ll realize that they did this for you”. I knew that my parents getting divorced was the only option left to their marriage. They were destructive to each other’s lives and hence, were destroying mine and my brother’s in the process. But seriously, you expect me to be okay when the world I lived in is literally being ripped apart from the centre into two? Do you really expect me to be okay when I have to go to court room after court room, to judge after judge, telling them that I prefer living with my mother, and then seeing the devastated look in my father’s eyes? Do you really expect me to be happy when family members who used to read me bedtime stories and fight over remotes with me have nothing to say to me anymore? Do you now? Really, are you serious? But, of course I never said that. That’s not how I was raised. So I put on a smile, pushed back my tears, and said “I’m okay” “I understand” “I support this entire situation”. And thus began my induction into a life of make belief stability and unrealistic happiness.

            I guess the reason I hate this characteristic of mine so very much is because at some level I expect the people I love to understand what’s going on in my head. But because I’ve become so good at lying, most of the time, they really cannot! In fact, a lot of the times, I’m fairly confused myself. The thing is if you tell a lie often enough, it starts resembling the truth… perhaps not literally, but you start feeling that the lie is actually true. It leads you to developing a false sense of security, until one random day, the dam cracks, then breaks, and all hell is set free. Every suppressed tear leaks out and every repressed emotion bubbles to the surface. You start feeling guilty on so many levels that it actually makes you physically weak. Makes me wonder every time why I hold back all these feeling? Who is this benefitting? Is it my family? Am I doing this to shelter them from the anguish that lives within me? Or am I doing this for me? And if so, how is this helpful if it only turns me into the hollow shell of a girl I used to be? Would my family feel betrayed if they found out the truth? Would they be hurt because I hurt myself? All this confusion leads me to resenting myself. And I really don’t like doing that, because as hard as it might be to believe, I’m pretty awesome! I love who I am. And hating yourself despite knowing that you don’t deserve that hatred is perhaps the worst feeling in the world.

I am me, I do stupid thing ninety eight percent of the time. Honestly! You can ask my friends. I feel like the people in my life love me for all those horribly stupid moments. They love me because I’m so terribly perfect to them in all my imperfections. And if they can love me for the mess of a personality that I am, then maybe I should do the same. In fact everyone who has people in their lives who love them for what they really are deserve to feel affection for them self! Just remember if you’re like me, don’t bottle up your emotions, because it’s really not pretty when you lose the cap.

Why are you following me? I have nothing to offer!

Your problem is that you’re chasing the red lazer light dot on the wall. Even if you catch up to it, you’ll never be able to touch it. 

My curse is that every time I convince myself I’ve stopped loving you, I fall in love with you all over again!

I know you think I’m all shy and angelic. I am. I mean I’ve never touched a man. I pray on time, do my homework, move rocks from the road, feed strays, and never maintain eye contact for longer than 10 seconds. 

I bite my lip, constantly drag my teeth over it. I know it drives you crazy. Because I can see your eyes glaze even though we never stand closer than three feet apart. 

I wish you’d give me a chance. I wish you’d let me introduce you to a side of me that wants to push you against the wall, wrap her leg around your thigh, and dry hump against your knee. I wish you’d see the side that wants to bite you lower lip, your ear lobe, and jawline. 

I just wish… I just wish I could be “me” for one day of my life and not face consequences the very next day. 

Being a virgin when you’re getting married is a big deal in my culture. It proves that you’re a good girl. I’m a good girl. But sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to be bad for just one day.

When I was younger my mamma told me that someday I’d meet a man who’ll make my world spin. And when that should happen I should very clearly inform him that I’m Married and uninterested.